Getting fit

For the longest time, as long as I can remember, I've had body issues. Self esteem issues. Perfectionism issues. I went through high school being picked on for being ugly, having no boobs, having a weird chin, being too skinny and too tall, and generally being a weird looking unit. When I hit my late teens and found that I had freedom to express myself and my body in ways I'd never been able to do before I wasn't sure what to do with it. I was weird looking, so I didn't want to flaunt my body, but I was thin so knew that was a good thing (right?), so I was left confused and utterly bewildered about where I fit in the scheme of attractiveness. So I kind of didn't bother. I went through my teens and 20s really not caring about any of that, or trying not to care anyway.

Then in my 30s it dawned on me that I'm never going to be this young (and thin) ever again. Der. After 2 kids, some health issues and the loss of a friend I realised that I was losing my "youth" (what was left of it), and decided to kick the middle age spread in the arse.

This summer I wore a bikini without boardshorts in public for the first time since I was a teenager. I've started wearing shorter skirts. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have no boobs, but that's kinda ok.

Then, just 4 weeks ago, I did something I've wanted to do for a long time but didn't have the health capacity or the energy to do it... I started roller derby. I'm not very good at it yet, but I seem to have a natural flair for it. I'm learning new things every single time I skate. I'm excited about going, being part of the club and coming home after sessions puffed out, sweaty and entirely unglamorous.

I'm getting fitter every time I go. My legs are getting stronger, and my thighs less wobbly. My upper body and core strength is improving and I'm seeing abs for the first time in about 10 years. I'm losing the softness that I'd come to accept as part of getting older. I'm wearing tights to skating and not feeling embarrassed. I don't know if I'm finally growing up, or what, but I feel good. It turns out the only motivator I needed to exercise was finding something I liked and was good at - not what everyone else was doing.

If I have only a few more years of being able to get away with short skirts and singlet tops, then I'm gonna go out feeling good about myself. No more insecurity. This is me, version 2.0