We had a shitty week. It was my birthday and i was pumped to do my 'Sue Bryce' this weekend, as a birthday present to myself (kind of). Then we found out Matt's sister had been taken to hospital and consequently needed surgery for an aneurysm. She's ok now. In intensive care still, but the surgery went well. So we're relieved and thankful and grateful. But I'm knackered. Well and truly. I have no energy left. No buzz, no spark, no zest. I'm kind of over feeling this way. I want to perk myself up, but I'm so completely wrung out (emotionally) from the last 6 weeks that I don't know where to start.
The theme for these holidays is R+R. Lots of quiet time, resting, reading, and lounging about. So if the cat wants a cuddle, while I'm lying in bed reading a book in my pj's at 12:30 in the afternoon, who am i to refuse?
(I'm currently also doing a photo-a-day project for January, so excuse the date stamp on the top of the image.)
I'm exhausted in a way I can't remember feeling for a long long time. I'm not sure if it's holiday burn-out, a cumulation of a month's worth of little sleep and worry and grief, or if it's just part of my illnesses. Or a mix of everything. I need sleep, a lot of it, and a lot of down time from life. Unfortunately with Matt back at work tomorrow and no break from children planned any time soon, I will have to just suck it all up and keep on truckin.
Our christmas day portrait. Not a selfie, but I didn't have my tripod away on hols with us so enlisted my sister to take the photo for me.
It's fairly indicative of our day. Ivy sooked it up, Elliot spent the day with a goonish look on his face as his tooth was about to fall out and me and Matt had our party faces on. Merry Christmas.
I made myself a little pretend me. And I tried to put happiness and sunshine into the parts of me that hurt. Kind of like a reverse-voodoo doll, if you will. I hope it works. The ironic part is that hand-sewing with arthritic hands is kind of ouchie.
When I was at the height (depths?) of my PND in 2009, Pearl Jam released their album Backspacer. At the time I wasn't getting much joy out of most of the things that I used to, and music was one of them. Then I heard Just Breathe. The first time I listened to that song I was in the car, and I had such a strong reaction to the song I needed to pull over while my sobs abated. It tugged at so many of my emotions; regret, guilt, love (lurking under the angst).
I wanted to make a personal video clip to the song and give it to my husband for our anniversary in the March following (2010). It would be a floaty, sunshiney, kind-of-out-of-focus, hazy clip with lots of movement and a chalkboard that I could write notes of regret to my love and beg forgiveness.
I never made the clip. I don't know how to. Plus it was such a deeply personal project I was reluctant to ask for help with it, and it's really too much for me to manage on my own. So I never did it. Maybe I will, one day.
Today I came the closest I have to doing something about it. I took myself and my camera and my music out into the grasslands behind my home and let myself be free. I used some of Jesh's beloved techniques, I let myself feel the music and not be too conscious of how I looked. Not be worried about nailing the focus.
I thought I'd cry while shooting it. I didn't. I smiled. But as soon as I listened to it back inside while downloading the images from the camera I started blubbing. Almost every time I hear it my eyes leak a little. It reminds me how low I was, and how far I've come. It's a reminder that even when I feel like things between me and Matt are hard and not how I would ever have imagined what married life was life, that underneath it all, he is still the one I love. It's forever there to show me that even when times are tough, just remember to breathe and it'll pass. And that's why I have the words tattooed on my arm. I never want to forget.
Another dream of mine, but one that will *never* be fulfilled. I'll never be a rock star. And that's ok.
I'm going to go back to having some lessons, in the hope that one day I'll at least be able to entertain my family and friends around a campfire.
Not sure if I should tackle it now while my passion is burning, even though my hands and wrists are arthritic and sore. Or if I should wait until I'm feeling better. Either way, I do hope to maintain my dedication this time.
Some time ago I was asked by one of my most favourite people and one of my most treasured friends to photograph a fashion event that she was putting together. I thought "sure, why the hell not", especially because I was winding up my client work and heading more towards personal projects that I was drawn to. This seemed like something fun, something that I would really enjoy.
Then I saw The Spreadsheet. And I panicked. Layla's organisational skillz, the planning, the depth of what was going on behind the scenes just blew me away. Plus, this was no small time thing. It was at to be held at Myer's Mural Hall, a gorgeous European styled ballroom which now has a National Trust honour, and was to raise funds for ovarian cancer research. Wowsers.
I was trusted with the BOH photographic duties (that's Back of House, for those of you not in the know :-p), plus got to sneak out the front for the actual fashion parade. What a buzz!!
Had so much fun, and am so excited to share these images from the day.
I know Layla has been waiting patiently for a copy of this one:
Today was the last me and Elliot alone day for these school holidays. We didn't do much, and we didn't do any of the things we had planned to do, except for the grocery shopping. Booooooring.
He is a homebody, happy to stay home and entertain himself making books about football, or playing footy in the yard. If it's raining he'll play inside, he doesn't care. He is my thinker, such a smart kid and destined for greatness.
He makes me laugh, with his sticky-outy hair, gappy teeth and chicken arms. He has the wit of his father... which isn't always appreciated by his mother (but always gets a laugh from dad). He makes me cry with his deep sullen stares when he is hurt or frightened. I hate being on the receiving end of those stares, and unfortunately I've deserved more than I've received. He is kind beyond measure, and accepts mummy's failings, which makes me cry and love him even more. He makes me books and cards about what we'll do together when I'm feeling well.
Today when I was shopping, I held him close and let myself be soothed by this wonderful young human, his beating heart and tremendous spirit. I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve him in this one.
When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a music journo. That was my dream. My friend wanted to be a music photographer. Secretly, I wanted to be both... but didn't want to steal her dream, haha!
I went to uni for a year to study journalism, and I hated it. I hated the (non)ethics, the invasion of privacy, the pressure. The way that you could really only get a big break if you had the "right" degree or knew the right people.
I dropped out.
Many years later I got back into photography, and then the dream started to revive itself. Then I fell into family photography and weddings. I enjoyed that for about 18 months, and then started to hate it. So I've decided to drop that too. (I'm apparently a bit of a flake like that.)
So now I'm left with dreams. I will work for nothing to live the dream. I'm going to start taking steps in the direction my heart has always pulled me - music. There is no money to be made, no fame, and usually no recognition.
All I want right now is to be featured on a CD sleeve. And that's pretty much it. I'd love to follow a band as they jam together, write together, record and eventually tour. The whole thing. And document it all.
I enlisted the help of a button pusher this week. I had an idea in my mind what I wanted to achieve, of a very far away portrait, so I wouldn't have been able to run that far in 10 seconds, lol. So we did that shot, and then walking home I tried a couple of things in my favourite weird bush thing behind my house. I don't know what it is, but it's completely growing around the base of this tree - consuming it. So I pushed myself right into it and let it consume me. A bit like I let my life do to me this week. Totally 100% consumed with fear and worry and insecurity and doubt and anxiety. I'm on the up now, but in the midst of making big changes, big decisions and not sure where it's all taking me.
