week seventeen

just breathe



week seventeen - 27/10/2011

When I was at the height (depths?) of my PND in 2009, Pearl Jam released their album Backspacer. At the time I wasn't getting much joy out of most of the things that I used to, and music was one of them. Then I heard Just Breathe. The first time I listened to that song I was in the car, and I had such a strong reaction to the song I needed to pull over while my sobs abated. It tugged at so many of my emotions; regret, guilt, love (lurking under the angst).

I wanted to make a personal video clip to the song and give it to my husband for our anniversary in the March following (2010). It would be a floaty, sunshiney, kind-of-out-of-focus, hazy clip with lots of movement and a chalkboard that I could write notes of regret to my love and beg forgiveness.

I never made the clip. I don't know how to. Plus it was such a deeply personal project I was reluctant to ask for help with it, and it's really too much for me to manage on my own. So I never did it. Maybe I will, one day.

Today I came the closest I have to doing something about it. I took myself and my camera and my music out into the grasslands behind my home and let myself be free. I used some of Jesh's beloved techniques, I let myself feel the music and not be too conscious of how I looked. Not be worried about nailing the focus.

I thought I'd cry while shooting it. I didn't. I smiled. But as soon as I listened to it back inside while downloading the images from the camera I started blubbing. Almost every time I hear it my eyes leak a little. It reminds me how low I was, and how far I've come. It's a reminder that even when I feel like things between me and Matt are hard and not how I would ever have imagined what married life was life, that underneath it all, he is still the one I love. It's forever there to show me that even when times are tough, just remember to breathe and it'll pass. And that's why I have the words tattooed on my arm. I never want to forget.

Lyrics are here if you want them:
http://www.pearljam.com/song/just-breathe