face crack

As is usual for me, I'm a sporadic blogger. I often have lots to say, but I usually have other outlets to share photos, discuss topics, dissect politics, rant and rave. 53 hours ago I deactivated my account for my main outlet. My last post on this blog spoke about wanting to break my facebook addiction and not being able to do so. In the end it turns out that I was just too far gone. Way too addicted, way too many hours given freely to a website that ultimately has been a big downfall for me. Too many hours given to facebook that should have been given to my kids, my family and my real friends.

In the beginning it was a brilliant tool for me. I first joined up in 2007 I think, when it was still relatively new in Australia (and I was already behind the 8-ball apparently - many friends begged me to join because  it was an awesome way to stay connected with each other while we all shuffled off to our own busy lives). At that time E-man was 2 and we were trying to conceive our much wanted 2nd child. We'd been having trouble, that year we suffered 2 miscarriages, and I was spending a lot of time online researching and reading and contributing to parenting and pregnancy forums. Facebook was good in that I could keep in touch with online friends and real life friends easily and conveniently. I was, after all, sitting at home and online.

It wasn't long before I was totally addicted. Back then it was a very different world on facebook. It was quiet mostly, not a lot of "noise". Silly games, gifts, boxes on your profile that showed your interests. There was no "like" button. Unfortunately I don't have a screen grab of what it looked like to share with those that weren't on the book of face back then. But it was a VERY different beast. There was much more privacy, for one, and almost NO corporations or businesses. You can see old facebook designs here: facebook 2004-2011

More and more friends steadily joined up, and each time I did a little "YAY!" because, well I'm lazy. Up til today, there is really only a few people that I want to speak to on a regular basis that don't have accounts - my husband and my dad mainly. Which means if I want to speak to them, I actually have to pick up the phone and call (especially for my dad - he doesn't text. I can text husbo all day long). So that means that almost all of my contact with loved ones, colleagues, interest groups has been on fb. For over 5 years. Shame on me.

Like I said, in the beginning, the first couple of years, it was great. Suffering from PND and anxiety and whatever else has meant that when I'm low I completely withdraw from people. I don't pick up the phone, I don't go out. But being on fb meant that people were still close by. People could still tell me they loved me. I could see photos of people I loved, share stories with them, and still be connected. It really was my saviour for those years.

At least I thought so.

Looking back, I wonder if being so addicted to fb and using the excuse that it was helping me on a daily basis remain connected to this world and not "just" a SAHM (well actually a WAHM) was really the reason I suffered so badly. Maybe? Perhaps I actually lost my ability to relate to people in the real world? I didn't have a job that I had to leave the house for, so many days I didn't have any reason to talk to an adult apart from husbo. And even half the time I didn't connect with him either because I was so busy talking online. I don't know, I'm musing here, but I do wonder "what if?"...

The last 2 years my interest in politics has been rekindled. As my passion for other things waned and eventually died, politics went from a spark that always interested me and I had strong views on to something that I read about every single day. For many hours a day. I learnt a lot but not all of it was certifiably academic because I'm simply not smart enough to read research or scholastic papers, but I read a lot of newspaper articles, opinion pieces, blogs and, mostly, joined a lot of fb groups and joined the commentary there.

The political climate in this country at the moment is becoming more and more poisonous every single day. Venomous. Fuelled by an extremely arrogant and negative opposition leader and a bias media, politics in this country is going to hell in a handbasket. As the time as gone on with the political situation the way it is I've tried to engage with people about why that is. I've tried to be open about how I feel so that if people might want to engage back with me in a meaningful way they can. I don't hide my political leanings - I'm an open book. And I figure if ONE person learns something about politics in this country and they have their eyes opened by something I post then that's a good thing.

I got flamed numerous times and unfriended for posting political commentary on my personal facebook so I started refraining and kept most of my comments to groups and pages. But eventually it's now got to the point where everywhere I turned I started seeing hateful, misogynistic, spiteful and really horribly violent imagery. I know I'm not innocent, sometimes I get spiteful and cynical and angry and recently I made a comment that was in the heat of a moment (live facebooking during Q&A) that I was severely reprimanded for. I tried to laugh it off at the time but I was quite hurt and redfaced.

Over the last couple of weeks I've seen some things that have made me rethink my membership of the human race. Of the Australian community. I was starting to despair. After one final strange conversation with somebody I realised that I.WAS.DONE. Done with fb. Done with the despair. Done with the negativity. Done. I've had enough of being addicted to that website. I've had enough of wasting my life. Wasting the hours that my children and husband deserve. If I want to waste hours I'm going to waste it on a good book. Drinking cups of tea. Getting lost in some music. Sitting in the sunshine. Having a nap. Visiting friends or having real conversations with them. Being present in my own life.

This is my own story. I need to remember to be a character in my tale.

It's now 55 hours since I deactivated my account. It's taken me nearly 2 hours to write this. I don't think it's a good piece of writing. But hell, it's been cathartic. I needed to get this out of my system. I already miss many things about facebook. I miss my sisters' photos, I miss my friends' witticisms (I have some extremely hilarious friends), I miss people that I care deeply about. Many of those people are "online" friends - but they are people I've known for up to 8 years. I miss intelligent conversation and laughter and sharing. But I don't miss the waste. I don't miss the bullshit. I don't miss the "noise".

I haven't decided if I'll go back. Other websites I've been very attached to and then quit I've not needed to go back. Their voids were filled by facebook. Now I have nothing. And I feel a bit lost. But I also feel free. I think...